The first 5 years were pretty bad

He grew up the pampered youngest child in a very well to do family. It was just easier for their family to throw money at them versus spending time (a moral to our own stories, DR fans.)he has never lived on his own for any extended period of time. went from his parents to his first marriage to our marriage. magically, someone always took care of paying the bills, even when he was working, so he has a 40 year training period of “the money he earns is his to spend as he wants.”i worked outside the home the first 3 years we were married, but when our child care costs got to be $2k a MONTH, i came home (we each brought 1 child from our first marriages and had 2 more within 2 years…yes we are part of the 1% birth control failure rate population!)
I get where he is coming from. He feels after all these years, we should have more spending $ than we do. My viewpoint is if we hadn’t had massive necessary expenses the first few years, combined with his out of control spending (4 brand new cars in 6 years, only 1 of which was necessary (bad accident)….don’t get me started), we would be farther along now. And really, do we want to live like this for another 18 years? I sure as heck don’t.But aren’t we all in that same situation? It’s nothing new under the sun–if we were the exception rather than the norm, we would have no need to be working the baby steps

I read through your other responses before responding myself

Without really knowing your family dynamics I wonder what is his underlying reason for wanting what he wants when he wants it?Is there something in his background that is causing this reaction? I’m sorry but I can’t remember if you work — and if not, does that cause tension? Are there budgetary “don’t go there” items for both you and your spouse? For example, for me it’s the daycare bill and mortgage; for my DH it’s car/home insurance; we split the the other four wall types of bills like phone/internet, trash/water, electricity/gas, etc.
Beyond that we just let it go and talk about what it is we are going to purchase or need (such as groceries).
I’m probably not helping but thought I’d toss out my thoughts in the hopes that other lurkers might also feel inspired to chime in.